Day 40 - families

So, day 40. The last day of Lent. It always seems like a bit of an anticlimax! Advent leads up to Christmas Day and the last 'star' we leave is always for Christmas Day - whereas the last heart is definitely only on Easter Saturday, not Easter Day.

So, today's also a cheat. A last minute heart on a bus stop near the in-laws. And the Easter Day heart hung on the Easter tree for the table. 

It's been good to visit family - to see people we haven't seen for a while, to catch up with how tall the kids have got, how they're doing with revision, which new directions the adults are taking (my life always seems a little boring at this point!), and which kids have overtaken them in some respect.

A shame not to get more time chatting with O and I - she's still struggling with the loss of her dad and the complications with her mum. And nice to spend a bit of time with C and M who are exploring fostering which is super impressive and exciting. They'll be great and be able to provide a family along the journey for kids who don't have one. H looked fed up with his revision already, which is not surprising as he's been working hard so far and S is always full of new and exciting plans, aiming high and knowing she starts from a secure family base. All good. Thanks God. 

Day 39 - flowers

Beautiful flowers for a back drop of Good Friday today at The Courts, National Trust garden in Holt, Wiltshire. I was particularly excited about the swathes of tulips (though sadly, and surprisingly none of the flouncy 'parrot' variety) and Neil was slathering at the asparagus beds. 

All the calm beauty was slightly interrupted with a phone call from a number I didn't recognise asking about EAPPI. I was a bit caught off guard - as the calls from the 'emergency' phone, which I am responsible for this weekend redirect without any indication that that's where they're coming from. But a poor dad was worried about his daughter having heard reports about a 23yr old British woman having been killed near the Old City in Jerusalem. Thankfully a quick call to a colleague in our Jerusalem office confirmed that all our volunteers are OK, and by the time I was able to call him back to tell him that Lottie had already been in touch with him. But of course it's horrible news and devastating for her family and friends. From news reports it appears to have been a man with serious mental health problems, so I'm rather hoping that it's not the start of something more sinister over the Passover and Easter celebrations. Insh'allah. 

Day 38 - neighbourhoods

Finally leaving a heart in the 'hood. Feels like it's been a while. One or two earlier on in Lent, but often finding that I was leaving them outside our immediate locality, or out of Hackney altogether. This is in direct contrast to those Advent signs which we only leave on Chatsworth Road. So it was good to leave one there today. Though the builders working on the empty shop next to Chatsworth Supermarket seemed a bit nonplussed by it all.

I read in the Hackney Citizen - which I do quite like even though it feels about the most incongruous paper ever - that the Coop is opening a store on Chatsworth Road, and though there had been a lot of local resistance to a Tesco metro on the same site, the landlord was hoping there'd be more support for a Coop. I'm in two minds. I'd probably use a Coop for 'small shops' and to be honest I usually head to Sainsburys on the Lower Clapton Rd for this - so the local shops wouldn't be really missing out, but I use Chats Supermarket so much for this and that, one or two things we need immediately, and I do wonder if I'd be loyal if there was a Coop in walking distance. To be honest I probably would be - my use of Chats Supermarket is mostly to do with my laziness, as it's absolutely the nearest shop to our front door, and unless the Coop is taking over the Creperie premises it's likely to remain so. But it is a dilemma. It would be a shame for local shops to feel they're pushed out because of its arrival, but with the increasing 'boutique' feel on the Road perhaps there are not that many shops it would be in direct competition with, especially as the Spar and Homerton Express have already arrived as larger grocery stores?

I've often wanted to do 'more' in the local community - ideas of interfaith groups and street parties have floated around in my head for years. I'm held back by not being the sort to 'make things happen' - I'd rather tag along supporting others. But increasingly I feel these are things which I need to get off my arse for otherwise they are always going to be the ones that got away. Anyone up for a new adventure?

Day 37 - the NHS

So, the NHS. National treasure. Needs to be fought for. I have often left a Lenten heart somewhere near here - the back of Homerton Hospital where the phalanx of bikes lines the blossom avenue which gives garden refuge to those recovering, supporting, working. When I walked through recently I realised I hadn't left a 2017 heart here. So, this is rectified today. And connects with yesterday.

Because really the reason the two families agreed to have their story told so publicly is because they both want to challenge others to sign the organ donor register. At present Wales is the only nation in the UK with an 'opt out' register.  This means that if you die elsewhere in the UK your organs can only be used if you've signed the organ donor register or if your family agree to it after your death. Campaigners are calling for all in the UK to be assumed to be opting in to donating their organs, unless they opt out (as in Wales). This would massively increase the amount of organs available for transplant and mean less people die for the want of a donated organ. 

As Sue says to Cole when she first met him: If it was your sister, son, mum who needed a transplant, wouldn't you want them to have it? And if so, why would you want to deny others that same thing?

Transplants are one of the most complex, difficult and expensive procedures the NHS does. The UK is a world leader. I am in awe of those working in it in whatever capacity and dearly wish successive governments would stop slashing it up and selling it off.  And while we wait for the law to be changed, I have been challenged to think about organ donation, and to think about signing that register. 

Day 36 - Linda and Sue. The mums.

I made these hearts especially. At half past midnight last night. I knew I was going to meet - or at least be in the same room as - two women who'd both lost their sons. Who share a deep bond due to the fact that one, Sue, had made the tough decision to give away the organs of her dead 15 year old boy, and that one, Linda, had seen her 15  year old boy live because of it.

I got all teary every time I thought about their story, which our good friend Cole has told so eloquently through a radio play and a newly published book: The Boy Who Gave His Heart Away. We were going to join him for his book launch at Waterstones in Trafalgar Square and I knew The Mums would be there.

I wanted to make them a heart each. I flustered between wanting to make it beautiful, but then feeling like the 'recycled' odd shaped, and slightly vulnerable, ones would be better. More appropriate. But as I thought about it I felt it would be better with the 'shiny' ones... a symbol of those hearts loved and given and lost - no longer frail and useless, perhaps, but symbolising forever a courageous gift, a beautiful thing, a lasting and precious bond of friendship between two women. Two mums. Two grieving mums.

I felt silly giving it to Sue, really. Didn't want to draw attention to myself, felt small in the shadow of her humility 'We're just ordinary people. Just normal mums'. Yes! That's why I want to honour you in such a small way - you're just like me. Normal mums who would have done anything to save their sons. And the rest of us never know if we will ever have to walk their road. We have to savour it all while we can. Linda's grief is rawer, with her boy only just gone these last 6 months. Though of course Sue had to relieve all her grief again as her boy's heart died then too. So I just caught her as she was out of the door, and mumbled that Sue would have to explain why I gave them both a slightly childish looking crafty heart. She hugged me graciously anyway. Perhaps grateful for the kindness and care of strangers? I hope so.

I hope tonight was in some way a good part of their hard journey. I'm sure it was hard. But perhaps in the telling of the stories of these two sons they will find their memory is honoured. Neil told me later that Cole gave both families total veto on what he wrote. Good job Cole. 

Day 35 - Quakers

First day back at work following the bruising meetings in Geneva. The temperature reached a staggering 25 degrees yesterday in London. It was a little cooler today - just 13! - but still a lovely sunny spring day for my cycle in to work.

It was great to have an email from a colleague who 'in his spare time' has last week been hitting the headlines by trying to make a citizens arrest of a Saudi general who's here at the invitation of HMG. 

Boris helped give the story legs, by flustering and apologising to the Saudis because May is about to visit to sell them more arms. Which are being used to kill Yemenis in increasing numbers. Which is why my colleague is trying to bring the world's attention to it all. And why he is also waiting trial for breaking and entering a UK airbase (trying to prevent UK planes being flown to Yemen to drop bombs). 

Honestly quite often I feel I am not worthy to work alongside these people. So glad that while we were stuck in unproductive meetings all week Sam has been doing the real thing.

Day 34 - the moors

The North York Moors, to be precise. And Levisham moor to be more precise. And Skelton Tower to be particularly precise. 

We broke our journey from Scotland at Pickering to say hi to mum and dad and to elongate our holiday as much as we could. So glad we did, because in 24hours we fitted in a sunset chat in the garden, fish and chips for supper, a fab yomp up the hills on Levisham moor and a return via Skelton Tower in the spring sunshine, a perfect pub lunch on Levisham green in the hot sun, and a mooch around a much expanded carboot sale on our way out of Pickering.

It's so good to get out to the countryside. I don't think I could cope in London if I didn't have these regular escapes. And so I am thankful I have the resources to do this.  

And turn 180 degrees for the view below...

Day 33 - Millie

Ah... the lovely Millie. Blue heart for the myriad shiny blues around those eyes... and cheekbones...? My 46 and 3/4 year old's brain does not understand the make up of today!

What a pleasure it was to hear your songs and a bit of the crazy story that brought you here needing a music video for all the A&R guys from the music industry pestering your dad to represent you! To be able to be family to you, and friends to your family, as you and they struggle to make sense of the whirlwind of potential. To see the fierce protectiveness of an elder sister unsure as to why it's necessary for them all to have a photo shoot before they can 'sell you'. To see the fierce practical support of a younger sister sacrificing her feet to the cold waves and being 'producer on set' for you. To see the fleeting jealousies of siblings and peers and the genuine worries of the over 40s - What if she really makes it big??

The music video production a la Knockbrex was a joy to behold. Somehow in the craziness of a chaotic holiday with 15 people, and with the vagaries of the Scottish weather and the persistence of two golden retrievers, Neil captured some of magic spilling out of Millie prancing along the seashore and made something fresh and lovely. 

Day 32 - a city on a hill

In the week leading up to Holy Week we are trying to create some sort of ritual - some sort of spiritual moment to reflect this time in the church's calendar. As Jesus approached the city of Jerusalem, where it seems he knew he was to meet his death, he stopped, looking over at the great view of it all spreading below.
Luke 19: 41 - And when he drew near and saw the city, he wept over it, 42 saying, “Would that you, even you, had known on this day the things that make for peace! But now they are hidden from your eyes.

Today we hear of another car ramming in the land which some call Holy. It's not, this time, in Jerusalem, but near Ramallah. The young Palestinians responsible have been shot. The Israeli soldier they hit has died too. Definitely not things which make for peace.

The supper rota tonight fell to those under 22. It was amazing to see 9 kids aged 10 to 21 muck in and find each their own part. Cal masterminded a whistle stop tour of Chinese cuisine and after a couple of hours of mayhem in the kitchen they unveiled 8 dishes to rapturous applause. It was delicious and gorgeous to be cooked for by our own ones. 

A bit of fireside singing ensued which felt an apt ending to a fantastic evening. My heart is full of love and contentedness. 

Day 31 - public pizza oven projects

Day 30 - Ali

'She is going. Very shallow breaths now. Very white and cold already. lovely peaceful dawn.'

'Ali is gone. Home. So peacefully. Sue mum me all there. Binham music been playing for hours. Can you blog something? Love you both. Chris'

These are the two texts I received in fairly quick succession around 6am on 4th April 2007. It was the Wednesday of Holy Week and Chris was letting us know that his wife and our dear friend Ali had died after an 18 month cancer roller coaster. She had celebrated her 40th birthday just a month previously. Their two kids were 4 and 2 years old. 

The way she'd lived out her terminal illness, the way she and Chris allowed us in to their inner turmoil and trust and the way Chris let us help shape her funeral and various other moments of remembering which followed will always remain with me as the most precious of times. Desperately sad but full of life and hope too. Angry and confused but accepting and grateful too. It was only how she had been in her living and dying that allowed us to be this way. Her gift to us. 

We listened to a bit of the funeral 

service. https://www.facebook.com/notes/doug-gay/sermon-for-alis-funeral-2007/1150288638341591

And we lit a fire and told some stories. We hung a heart on a tree here in Knockbrex that Ali had made herself. Well, a string of buttons made for a bathroom lampshade and rescued by me and made into a heart, to be precise!

Good to be here at a place she loved in the company of others who lived here too. Ali, we miss you. But thanks for the sunshine you brought us all those years. 

Day 29 - people and places

It has been so good to gather here at Knockbrex this week after such a disappointing and undermining week in Geneva. Good to be here. The scene of super happy times and desperately sad ones. A place of sea and sky and yellow gorse and green fields and wavy sands. Good too to be here amongst people who've held me and lead me and challenged me and comforted me. 

Today's heart is left in Knockbrex beach, reachable only via a circuitous route thanks to an Englishman who's keen on keeping a byeway private. The same beach we sat on 14 years ago for Doug's 40th. We are all feeling rather old!!

Day 28 - Hebron

All the while I have been at this unproductive meeting of the people saying they 'own' the work of accompaniment in the West Bank, I have been mindful of the fact that my great friend and her daughter have been travelling in and around Bethlehem for the Palestine marathon. It has made it harder to bear the difficulties we've encountered in the business each day. Frustrated with the pettiness, frustrated with the perception I have that I am being told to do my job in a certain way, frustrated that the voice of the wider local communities we serve are silenced by the local church leaders. She texted me today to say she finally left the Lenten heart I gave her. She left it somewhere in Hebron. On something painted with these nice hands. Who knows what it is! But I'm looking forward to seeing her tomorrow to get a sense of her adventure and to see what she will do with it...

Day 27 - imperfect institutions

We gathered this morning for Quaker  worship, my colleague making a point of us moving chairs to allow all into the circle. My Swedish colleague commented afterwards that although we had been on a roller coaster we were surely 'on the up' for the beginning of the last day. I said to him: 'that's what you thought at the start of Wednesday and look what happened'. 

My retort turned out to be prescient. Within 30 minutes of the worship in community and equality the whole WCC leadership walked out saying that they were cancelling the last day if business and that they would be writing to our Heads of Churches. 

An unfortunate incident of misunderstanding after 4 days of frustrated exchanges had been taken as a racial slur and they weren't even prepared to hear the other side of the story. 

You could have heard a pin drop. There were tears and pain and anger. Later they returned to say they were prepared to hear our collective apology and after that they declared they were prepared to work with us again. It felt extremely patronising and I am still angry about it. 

As I walked out after that day, which had returned us to an 'us and them' mentality in one stroke, which had broken all the trust we had built all week, I went to meet my old university friend where she works at the WHO. I walked past the UN school, and the continuous one person protest against the WHO (they accuse them of covering up the numbers affected by the Chernobyl and Fukashima). As I approached the swanky imposing building I had a deep sense of moving from one imperfect institution to another. Imperfect institutions, full of imperfect people, trying to do the impossible in an imperfect world.

I wish I had more grace for those involved.

Even after 24hrs with my friend, tackling these big issues, wringing our hands at how best we can make a difference in this world; even after the wonderful soak in the 'thermes' - the jacuzzi and the steam room and the sauna, I am still disturbed but it all. 

Day 26 - peace activists

After 3 days of seemingly irrelevant information provision today we finally heard from The People That Matter. 

Issa Amro is a nonviolent peace activist from Hebron. He was meant to be present at these meetings in Geneva but is facing 18 charges in a court hearing and cannot leave the country. He is regularly imprisoned because if his peace work and he and his family live under constant surveillance. He sent a video message to encourage us in the work of EAPPI and called for us to support economic measures against the occupation. 

Danya is an Israeli peace activist working at B'Tselem. She is an American citizen so doesn't even have to stay but she does. She too cannot see an end to the occupation without economic measures against Israel - including the withdrawal and denial of visas for Israelis from all walk of life. It is not a popular viewpoint in Israeli and she has been vilified for it. 

These two voices from 'both' sides called independently for us to speak out for political change so it was especially hard to be in sessions where the senior leadership team made excuses for their cancellation of a great peace campaign which Steph, Anja and AnneMarie had worked so hard on. And even harder to hear their 'great' alternative idea is a day of prayer in Jerusalem. 

I sincerely do not want to be the one to tell this to Issa. 

Day 24 and 25 - colleagues

5

30 colleagues from 22 countries are gathered together to try to make progress and improve a flawed but important programme. They're all super impressive and I have spent most of the week in awe of them all. All but the North Americans and Australians come with the hurdle of making themselves heard in their 2nd or 3rd or 4th language. Some are not even paid to do this work but are volunteers having taken their own annual leave from other jobs to be at this meeting. It's made the difficulties with the hierarchies more frustrating for me - and yet they seem to have more grace towards those in leadership in the WCC.

After a rather tense day spent in a conference centre despite the fantastic weather it was really good to find a space to sit and drink together on a boat on the river Rhone.

Day 23 - the earth

A rather dark picture of a rather nice blue and green recycled heart which looks a little bit like the earth. 

And left it on some railings in one of the streets in Geneva my colleagues and I werewalking down having eaten fondue in true Swiss style. 

The weather has turned gloriously springlike: warm and sunny and where there is no wind almost hot to sit in. The flight on a sunny day meant we could enjoy the spread of green fields and ocean beneath us. It's the closest most of us get to seeing the blue green planet beneath us - it's rolling hills and forests and mountains; rivers running and cities sprawling. Ironic to have to view it from the window of a plane which is contributing to climate change. Should've taken the train!

Day 22 - Olympic Park

Left this one at the Round Chapel again. Same old haunts, being returned to again and again. This is my life and the small environs thereof. I think it feels OK. Sometimes it feels restrictive, but on the cusp of leaving Hackney for a week and stepping out to the wilds of Europe - well what does that mean these days? Continental Europe, for sure, slap bang in the heart of it, but to a place which has never really given up its place of fortune to become part of the European hoi polloi: Switzerland. On the cusp of leaving my narrow environs and my own, I feel sad and anxious. 

I hug the kids, and think 'it's only a week' and savour the meal around the table and the Disney video shared on a Saturday night. And it is fine. And sometimes good to have change and leave them and return. But I will miss them.

I'm glad me and the biggest and the smallest got out today in the spring sunshine. On our bikes back to Westfield. Across the gorgeous Olympic Park which sits on our doorstep and is ours to enjoy. The river, the flags, the incredible shapes of the buildings, the play parks, the art, the call to get involved, to be part of something bigger. That feeling will never leave me... the one on the orange bridge across the A12 as we walked as a family into the Olympic Park for the first time. Must be a legacy of some sort... 

Day 20 and 21 - shopping and drinking

Today's is a catch up - with one left on the carpark railings at Westfield Shopping Centre and one left on the bike railings of our local pub.

Both are places I go to on a regular basis. 

Westfield is one of those places I love to hate. Having had no real shopping 'centre' any where near us before it's arrival in the wake of the Olympics, I would regularly trek to Bluewater (abso-bloody-lutely miles away) or try and find what I needed in the sorry excuse of a shopping centre which is Wood Green (pretty excellent second hand shops, don't get me wrong, something that Westfield lacks in abundance, but really if you needed a present for someone it was pretty useless). So I love the fact that you can cycle there (though to my shame I don't do that regularly enough). But it's also weird. Just full of stuff. Stuff to buy, stuff to consume, stuff I don't need, stuff no one really needs. I decided that in this case I needed to leave a swanky heart, a super duper properly made heart to mark my passing through. The sort of heart that wouldn't look out of place in a palace of Mammon.  

The pub has become a friendlier, more 'positive' place for me recently with the advent of the fabulous monthly pub quizzes, hosted by the crazy, rude, kind, funny, rampant raving socialist Louise. They're in aid of the Barts centre for breast cancer. And they are a laugh and a breath of fresh air. She should really be the Labour party leader, to be honest. Or at least the owner of a national newspaper.

This heart is a more 'earthy' one. The product of my latest experimentation with the format. The earlier attempts at recycled hearts were a little bit, well, not really like hearts to be honest. But I have discovered two things:

• bottle caps are the best at melting and looking nice
• a little addition of some pony beads somehow helps along the recycled cap into something lovely.

So, these are a product of that process, and I hope will stay the course, look pretty and not cost the earth either. 

Day 19 - Rose

This ones outside Rose's place. She's been out of hospital for over a week but I had not yet found the time to visit her. Good job that she is so popular and kind herself that she has many neighbours and friends caring for her and bringing her food already.

She was looking good - apart from the dark bruises around her neck from all the lines they had going in and out of her and the deep scar over the top of her chest where they operated 3 years ago. And she was on top form. Looking through our church's Annual Report which another friend took over to her on Sunday after the church Annual Meeting, she points to the main picture 'Where am I? Am I there? Why am I at the back? Why is she at the front - she never even comes to church!' 

I said I was glad she'd had lots of visitors and people bringing food. 'Ooooh I know!' she says. 'In the hospital' she says 'they kept saying "Do you know everyone in London?" and "How is it you are a black woman and yet have all these white visitors?"' That last comment seems a bit harsh, but I suspect it's more of an indictment on the safe silos we keep ourselves in in this diverse City of ours, rather than a reflection on Rose herself. Perhaps it's true and it's flagged up to us by those who observe it close at hand: white people get white visitors. Black people get black visitors. C'est la vie. But what a sad thing that is. 

It made me doubly proud to have Rose in my life. Proud because she's so lovely. And proud because our friendship seems unusual. Church is the one last truly diverse community in our neighbourhoods. Or at least it has the potential to be. Old, young, black, white, rich, poor, educated, not so educated. Sometimes it feels a struggle to keep all these different people, with different backgrounds, and different perspectives together, but oh my is it worth it?

Day 18 - interview candidates

The heart is left at St John and St James school on my cycle ride home from work but the inspiration today comes from a full day if interviewing. I knew from theshortlisting  that the candidates would be good but boy, were they good? 

I wish I could have given it to three candidates. Or at least tried them all out for a month!! 

All 5 were competent and could have filled the post. But what surprised me was the huge range of extracurricular activities. MSc and MAs completed. Detainee centres visited. Home start family supported. Printing workshops given. Interreligious dialogue set up. I could barely keep up. After a while I began to wonder what on earth I have been doing with the last 10 years of my life. Perhaps if I had to write it all down for an application form I would think of something. Nevertheless these guys were super impressive. It felt good to be in a world with them!

And fingers crossed we will even offer the job to the right one. 

Day 17 - Red Nose Riders

I've been so inspired by my youngest son's friend. For his 10th birthday party he decided he wanted all his cyclist friends to ride as far as possible and get sponsored to do it for Red Nose Day. 

Around 15 of his friends (including my baby!) got together yesterday and rode for a total of 553 miles around the Olympic Park cycle track. (Some accompanying adults did a further 77). They raised over £1600. Some kids cycled for over three hours. Some of the smallest only did three or four laps. Some of the older ones (still only about 12) did more like 50. It was a really windy day and the mile-long track's got two big hills on it. I was really struggling just cycling home at the end of it. 

I loved the idea. I loved the red nose numbers on their shirts and the clipboard tally. I loved their determination. I loved the fact that some rode around in pairs and others pressed on on their own. I loved the fact that there were loads of adults there yelling them on, generally being supportive and feeling super impressed. I loved the fact that we could do it all in the shadow of the Velodrome in the incredible Park which is on our doorstep.

I also loved the fact that when I picked up this heart to place today I realised I had inadvertently made one with a red nose on it!

I'm sure there will be many Red Nose Day accomplishments which are just as impressive and perhaps more so. But it was nice to be part of one of them and I have a 10-year-old to thank for that. Way to go Milton!