Day 40 - families

So, day 40. The last day of Lent. It always seems like a bit of an anticlimax! Advent leads up to Christmas Day and the last 'star' we leave is always for Christmas Day - whereas the last heart is definitely only on Easter Saturday, not Easter Day.

So, today's also a cheat. A last minute heart on a bus stop near the in-laws. And the Easter Day heart hung on the Easter tree for the table. 

It's been good to visit family - to see people we haven't seen for a while, to catch up with how tall the kids have got, how they're doing with revision, which new directions the adults are taking (my life always seems a little boring at this point!), and which kids have overtaken them in some respect.

A shame not to get more time chatting with O and I - she's still struggling with the loss of her dad and the complications with her mum. And nice to spend a bit of time with C and M who are exploring fostering which is super impressive and exciting. They'll be great and be able to provide a family along the journey for kids who don't have one. H looked fed up with his revision already, which is not surprising as he's been working hard so far and S is always full of new and exciting plans, aiming high and knowing she starts from a secure family base. All good. Thanks God. 

Day 39 - flowers

Beautiful flowers for a back drop of Good Friday today at The Courts, National Trust garden in Holt, Wiltshire. I was particularly excited about the swathes of tulips (though sadly, and surprisingly none of the flouncy 'parrot' variety) and Neil was slathering at the asparagus beds. 

All the calm beauty was slightly interrupted with a phone call from a number I didn't recognise asking about EAPPI. I was a bit caught off guard - as the calls from the 'emergency' phone, which I am responsible for this weekend redirect without any indication that that's where they're coming from. But a poor dad was worried about his daughter having heard reports about a 23yr old British woman having been killed near the Old City in Jerusalem. Thankfully a quick call to a colleague in our Jerusalem office confirmed that all our volunteers are OK, and by the time I was able to call him back to tell him that Lottie had already been in touch with him. But of course it's horrible news and devastating for her family and friends. From news reports it appears to have been a man with serious mental health problems, so I'm rather hoping that it's not the start of something more sinister over the Passover and Easter celebrations. Insh'allah. 

Day 38 - neighbourhoods

Finally leaving a heart in the 'hood. Feels like it's been a while. One or two earlier on in Lent, but often finding that I was leaving them outside our immediate locality, or out of Hackney altogether. This is in direct contrast to those Advent signs which we only leave on Chatsworth Road. So it was good to leave one there today. Though the builders working on the empty shop next to Chatsworth Supermarket seemed a bit nonplussed by it all.

I read in the Hackney Citizen - which I do quite like even though it feels about the most incongruous paper ever - that the Coop is opening a store on Chatsworth Road, and though there had been a lot of local resistance to a Tesco metro on the same site, the landlord was hoping there'd be more support for a Coop. I'm in two minds. I'd probably use a Coop for 'small shops' and to be honest I usually head to Sainsburys on the Lower Clapton Rd for this - so the local shops wouldn't be really missing out, but I use Chats Supermarket so much for this and that, one or two things we need immediately, and I do wonder if I'd be loyal if there was a Coop in walking distance. To be honest I probably would be - my use of Chats Supermarket is mostly to do with my laziness, as it's absolutely the nearest shop to our front door, and unless the Coop is taking over the Creperie premises it's likely to remain so. But it is a dilemma. It would be a shame for local shops to feel they're pushed out because of its arrival, but with the increasing 'boutique' feel on the Road perhaps there are not that many shops it would be in direct competition with, especially as the Spar and Homerton Express have already arrived as larger grocery stores?

I've often wanted to do 'more' in the local community - ideas of interfaith groups and street parties have floated around in my head for years. I'm held back by not being the sort to 'make things happen' - I'd rather tag along supporting others. But increasingly I feel these are things which I need to get off my arse for otherwise they are always going to be the ones that got away. Anyone up for a new adventure?

Day 37 - the NHS

So, the NHS. National treasure. Needs to be fought for. I have often left a Lenten heart somewhere near here - the back of Homerton Hospital where the phalanx of bikes lines the blossom avenue which gives garden refuge to those recovering, supporting, working. When I walked through recently I realised I hadn't left a 2017 heart here. So, this is rectified today. And connects with yesterday.

Because really the reason the two families agreed to have their story told so publicly is because they both want to challenge others to sign the organ donor register. At present Wales is the only nation in the UK with an 'opt out' register.  This means that if you die elsewhere in the UK your organs can only be used if you've signed the organ donor register or if your family agree to it after your death. Campaigners are calling for all in the UK to be assumed to be opting in to donating their organs, unless they opt out (as in Wales). This would massively increase the amount of organs available for transplant and mean less people die for the want of a donated organ. 

As Sue says to Cole when she first met him: If it was your sister, son, mum who needed a transplant, wouldn't you want them to have it? And if so, why would you want to deny others that same thing?

Transplants are one of the most complex, difficult and expensive procedures the NHS does. The UK is a world leader. I am in awe of those working in it in whatever capacity and dearly wish successive governments would stop slashing it up and selling it off.  And while we wait for the law to be changed, I have been challenged to think about organ donation, and to think about signing that register. 

Day 36 - Linda and Sue. The mums.

I made these hearts especially. At half past midnight last night. I knew I was going to meet - or at least be in the same room as - two women who'd both lost their sons. Who share a deep bond due to the fact that one, Sue, had made the tough decision to give away the organs of her dead 15 year old boy, and that one, Linda, had seen her 15  year old boy live because of it.

I got all teary every time I thought about their story, which our good friend Cole has told so eloquently through a radio play and a newly published book: The Boy Who Gave His Heart Away. We were going to join him for his book launch at Waterstones in Trafalgar Square and I knew The Mums would be there.

I wanted to make them a heart each. I flustered between wanting to make it beautiful, but then feeling like the 'recycled' odd shaped, and slightly vulnerable, ones would be better. More appropriate. But as I thought about it I felt it would be better with the 'shiny' ones... a symbol of those hearts loved and given and lost - no longer frail and useless, perhaps, but symbolising forever a courageous gift, a beautiful thing, a lasting and precious bond of friendship between two women. Two mums. Two grieving mums.

I felt silly giving it to Sue, really. Didn't want to draw attention to myself, felt small in the shadow of her humility 'We're just ordinary people. Just normal mums'. Yes! That's why I want to honour you in such a small way - you're just like me. Normal mums who would have done anything to save their sons. And the rest of us never know if we will ever have to walk their road. We have to savour it all while we can. Linda's grief is rawer, with her boy only just gone these last 6 months. Though of course Sue had to relieve all her grief again as her boy's heart died then too. So I just caught her as she was out of the door, and mumbled that Sue would have to explain why I gave them both a slightly childish looking crafty heart. She hugged me graciously anyway. Perhaps grateful for the kindness and care of strangers? I hope so.

I hope tonight was in some way a good part of their hard journey. I'm sure it was hard. But perhaps in the telling of the stories of these two sons they will find their memory is honoured. Neil told me later that Cole gave both families total veto on what he wrote. Good job Cole. 

Day 35 - Quakers

First day back at work following the bruising meetings in Geneva. The temperature reached a staggering 25 degrees yesterday in London. It was a little cooler today - just 13! - but still a lovely sunny spring day for my cycle in to work.

It was great to have an email from a colleague who 'in his spare time' has last week been hitting the headlines by trying to make a citizens arrest of a Saudi general who's here at the invitation of HMG. 

Boris helped give the story legs, by flustering and apologising to the Saudis because May is about to visit to sell them more arms. Which are being used to kill Yemenis in increasing numbers. Which is why my colleague is trying to bring the world's attention to it all. And why he is also waiting trial for breaking and entering a UK airbase (trying to prevent UK planes being flown to Yemen to drop bombs). 

Honestly quite often I feel I am not worthy to work alongside these people. So glad that while we were stuck in unproductive meetings all week Sam has been doing the real thing.

Day 34 - the moors

The North York Moors, to be precise. And Levisham moor to be more precise. And Skelton Tower to be particularly precise. 

We broke our journey from Scotland at Pickering to say hi to mum and dad and to elongate our holiday as much as we could. So glad we did, because in 24hours we fitted in a sunset chat in the garden, fish and chips for supper, a fab yomp up the hills on Levisham moor and a return via Skelton Tower in the spring sunshine, a perfect pub lunch on Levisham green in the hot sun, and a mooch around a much expanded carboot sale on our way out of Pickering.

It's so good to get out to the countryside. I don't think I could cope in London if I didn't have these regular escapes. And so I am thankful I have the resources to do this.  

And turn 180 degrees for the view below...

Day 33 - Millie

Ah... the lovely Millie. Blue heart for the myriad shiny blues around those eyes... and cheekbones...? My 46 and 3/4 year old's brain does not understand the make up of today!

What a pleasure it was to hear your songs and a bit of the crazy story that brought you here needing a music video for all the A&R guys from the music industry pestering your dad to represent you! To be able to be family to you, and friends to your family, as you and they struggle to make sense of the whirlwind of potential. To see the fierce protectiveness of an elder sister unsure as to why it's necessary for them all to have a photo shoot before they can 'sell you'. To see the fierce practical support of a younger sister sacrificing her feet to the cold waves and being 'producer on set' for you. To see the fleeting jealousies of siblings and peers and the genuine worries of the over 40s - What if she really makes it big??

The music video production a la Knockbrex was a joy to behold. Somehow in the craziness of a chaotic holiday with 15 people, and with the vagaries of the Scottish weather and the persistence of two golden retrievers, Neil captured some of magic spilling out of Millie prancing along the seashore and made something fresh and lovely. 

Day 32 - a city on a hill

In the week leading up to Holy Week we are trying to create some sort of ritual - some sort of spiritual moment to reflect this time in the church's calendar. As Jesus approached the city of Jerusalem, where it seems he knew he was to meet his death, he stopped, looking over at the great view of it all spreading below.
Luke 19: 41 - And when he drew near and saw the city, he wept over it, 42 saying, “Would that you, even you, had known on this day the things that make for peace! But now they are hidden from your eyes.

Today we hear of another car ramming in the land which some call Holy. It's not, this time, in Jerusalem, but near Ramallah. The young Palestinians responsible have been shot. The Israeli soldier they hit has died too. Definitely not things which make for peace.

The supper rota tonight fell to those under 22. It was amazing to see 9 kids aged 10 to 21 muck in and find each their own part. Cal masterminded a whistle stop tour of Chinese cuisine and after a couple of hours of mayhem in the kitchen they unveiled 8 dishes to rapturous applause. It was delicious and gorgeous to be cooked for by our own ones. 

A bit of fireside singing ensued which felt an apt ending to a fantastic evening. My heart is full of love and contentedness. 

Day 31 - public pizza oven projects

Day 30 - Ali

'She is going. Very shallow breaths now. Very white and cold already. lovely peaceful dawn.'

'Ali is gone. Home. So peacefully. Sue mum me all there. Binham music been playing for hours. Can you blog something? Love you both. Chris'

These are the two texts I received in fairly quick succession around 6am on 4th April 2007. It was the Wednesday of Holy Week and Chris was letting us know that his wife and our dear friend Ali had died after an 18 month cancer roller coaster. She had celebrated her 40th birthday just a month previously. Their two kids were 4 and 2 years old. 

The way she'd lived out her terminal illness, the way she and Chris allowed us in to their inner turmoil and trust and the way Chris let us help shape her funeral and various other moments of remembering which followed will always remain with me as the most precious of times. Desperately sad but full of life and hope too. Angry and confused but accepting and grateful too. It was only how she had been in her living and dying that allowed us to be this way. Her gift to us. 

We listened to a bit of the funeral 

service. https://www.facebook.com/notes/doug-gay/sermon-for-alis-funeral-2007/1150288638341591

And we lit a fire and told some stories. We hung a heart on a tree here in Knockbrex that Ali had made herself. Well, a string of buttons made for a bathroom lampshade and rescued by me and made into a heart, to be precise!

Good to be here at a place she loved in the company of others who lived here too. Ali, we miss you. But thanks for the sunshine you brought us all those years. 

Day 29 - people and places

It has been so good to gather here at Knockbrex this week after such a disappointing and undermining week in Geneva. Good to be here. The scene of super happy times and desperately sad ones. A place of sea and sky and yellow gorse and green fields and wavy sands. Good too to be here amongst people who've held me and lead me and challenged me and comforted me. 

Today's heart is left in Knockbrex beach, reachable only via a circuitous route thanks to an Englishman who's keen on keeping a byeway private. The same beach we sat on 14 years ago for Doug's 40th. We are all feeling rather old!!

Day 28 - Hebron

All the while I have been at this unproductive meeting of the people saying they 'own' the work of accompaniment in the West Bank, I have been mindful of the fact that my great friend and her daughter have been travelling in and around Bethlehem for the Palestine marathon. It has made it harder to bear the difficulties we've encountered in the business each day. Frustrated with the pettiness, frustrated with the perception I have that I am being told to do my job in a certain way, frustrated that the voice of the wider local communities we serve are silenced by the local church leaders. She texted me today to say she finally left the Lenten heart I gave her. She left it somewhere in Hebron. On something painted with these nice hands. Who knows what it is! But I'm looking forward to seeing her tomorrow to get a sense of her adventure and to see what she will do with it...